Fear & Snack Packs
5pm rolls around every week day and my stomach drops. It is the feeling that you get when you wake up in the morning in grade school and you know that the school yard bully will be running you down at precisely 11:45am in order to give you the shake down and take your lunch money, or punch you in the mouth for your beloved snack pack. It’s fear. And this is the good old fashioned “I’m about to get my ass kicked” kind of fear, not the kind of fear you experience when you’re about to go on your first date with that jock from a neighboring school and he has a reputation of expecting some form of payment for the awkward dinner and crappy movie.
It amazes me that this is the kind of fear I have come to crave. I both dread and embrace that metallic taste in my mouth, the increased heart rate, the nervous flexion and extension of my hands…It is a fear that only one word can invoke: CrossFit.
You may have just scoffed at that. But I am literally scared of my workouts. Not because I know it is going to be hard, they are always hard, that is the thing that keeps me coming back to CrossFit every day.
I fear meeting myself in the box for an hour a day, every evening.
I am my biggest hurdle. That voice in my head that screams can’t. “You can’t lift that,” “You can’t do 21 handstand push-ups unbroken,” “A Hero WOD? You can’t do that RX”. That voice in my head telling me that I’m not enough…big enough, strong enough, fast enough, tough enough. That voice is what I fear. It’s like going toe to toe in a boxing ring with a competitor that knows every single one of your weaknesses and has spent the past 27 years exploiting those weaknesses to break you down. You know you’re going to get your bell rung, you’re going to be lying face down on the mat in a pool of your own blood, and your victors hand raised high in the air showing the rest of the world that you couldn’t beat her.
You may be asking why I continue to show up, if I experience that fear and know that an internal battle will be raging on inside of my dome for an hour…and this is why.
I beat her! I win the battle inside of myself, I lift what I thought I couldn’t, I do what I never thought I was capable of doing. Maybe I don’t beat that voice every day, hell; maybe I don’t even beat her once a week. But, I do beat her. And when I do, it makes feeling that fear all the sweeter.
When I was a little girl my step father told me this “Feel the fear and do it anyways”. It is something I repeat to myself every time I feel that fear and I start tearing myself down. You won’t be anything else than what you are if you don’t set goals that terrify you, and fell the fear it evokes.
Feel the fear and do it anyways. I might not win that day, that smug little bitch in my head might be standing there smirking at me at 7pm with “I told you so” on her lips, but then again…I might win and finally pop that school yard bully in the mouth and take back my cherished snack pack for another day.
WOD: “Filthy Fifty” for time
50 Box Jumps (24/20)
50 Jumping Pull-Ups
50 KB Swings (35/26)
50 Walking Lunges
50 Push Press (45/35)
50 Back Extensions
50 Wall Balls (20/14)
50 Double Unders